How to talk to kids about anti-Asian hate
A friend’s 5 yr old daughter went to in-person kindergarten this month, excited at the start of the day, crying by the end. A classmate made fun of her, calling her “China flu” while making a slanty eye gesture. Confused, feeling alone and scared, she came home in tears. My friend called me, a child/adolescent psychiatrist and former medical director for Asian Americans for Community Involvement, to ask how to respond. (Below is a summary, but feel free to also read my story on this at NBC Think, or watch my interview on MSNBC).
Make the intention to start the talk
We need to talk about racism with our AAPI kids because they are experiencing and witnessing racism. If they don’t have the language or framework to understand racist behavior, then they end up believing something is inherently wrong with them. They’re left feeling alone in trying to manage.
And we start the talk now, as children are returning to in-person activities and school. Studies show that when confronted with mortality (as what happens during a relentless pandemic when death becomes part of life), people more aggressively “other” those they don’t identify with.
If we give kids language about racist behavior, they have a critical framework to understand the unfairness. When they have the language, it builds resistance to shame about one’s Asian identity. Language also helps children feel more empowered to be allies and to counter racism.
Set aside time to reflect alone
Typically our response to AAPI racism is to instill a sense of racial pride, because we’re often seen as foreigners. But racial pride is complicated for AAPIs who hold a cultural belief that suffering is part of life. Keep your head down, don’t complain, work hard and be quiet.
But doing so promotes our being invisible and instills a sense of racial shame. I remember my childhood memories of kids making racial slurs while circling me with karate kicks. And I know I’m not alone - most all of my Asian American friends have experienced something like this. But as kids, we don’t have language around what that behavior is. So we think there’s something wrong with us. Many AAPI children grow up wanting to be white. They avoid sitting with other Asian kids because they don’t want to be perceived as “too Asian” and grow into adults wanting eye and nose surgery to look more Caucasian. We continue to be silent. But silence is just not just complicit, it’s agreement - that there’s something wrong with us because of the shape of our eyes.
So we get clear about the true impact of racism that we’ve been pushing aside for decades. Then organize any anger or anxiety into strategic action to be clear about what information to pass onto a child.
Use stories as prompts to talk about racism
If kids are younger, try using books with diverse characters. But be intentional and explicit to connect the dots. For example, I’ll bring out a book with Asian American characters and say, “this is a book with Asian American kids” and with the next book I’ll say “this is a book with Latina kids”. Children see what’s different, but they don’t have language to understand it.
If children are older, they’re likely seeing videos of anti-Asian violence online. So we link our talk to the news, “Something happened in the news and I want to talk to you about it. Some people treat others really badly because of their skin color. That’s called racism and it’s wrong and there’s a long history of it”. You can relay stories of the Japanese internment camps or the yellow peril that’s somewhat similar to the covid fears around Asian Americans. We tell them about how African Americans and Latinos are treated poorly too to let AAPI kids know it’s not just them, but unfortunately other children with darker skin are also treated unfairly. But we don’t leave children feeling victimized . We tell them about how AAPIs have stood up and fought back, for example in the early 1900s when Japanese and Mexican sugar beet farmers went on strike together for better wages. Let children know there are lots of good people who are promoting racial justice.
Open the door to talking about racism by validating and giving language
Ask children what their experience with racism has been. Parents can put words to a child’s experience. They are still learning about all the feelings they are having and can be overwhelmed. By naming the feeling, we give the vocabulary to articulate their inner experience. Parents can ask, "How did that feel when he said that?" If the child is unsure, help her with potential feelings, “Maybe sad, humiliated, small, hurt, confused?”
This gives us the opportunity to validate by labeling the behavior as racist and wrong. We explain how racist comments are different from the normal hurtful things kids say. “There are some people who will not like us because of the shape of our eyes and our skin color. That is called racism, and it is not okay.” Doing this helps mitigate against shame being internalized. The child will understand there’s nothing wrong with their skin or eyes. The problem is in the racist person.
Empower through allyship
Learning about racism goes beyond figuring out how to protect ourselves from racist behavior, towards developing empathy for other marginalized groups. So we incorporate inclusivity and allyship in conversations about racial justice, to let children know they aren’t alone. That our African American, Latino, and Native communities are also treated poorly because of their skin color. Children shouldn’t have to feel scared in promoting racial justice. We teach them the 5Ds of being a bystander (distract, delegate, delay, direct, document) so they know what to do when another child of color is treated poorly. We remind Asian American kids that there are so many people who are our friends, our allies, who are fighting everyday to make sure people are treated better. There’s a growing surge of goodness, and we are part of that.
Know that this is not just one conversation, but by starting now, you’re teaching your children what is acceptable or not to talk about. They need to know it’s okay to be scared; they can talk about racism with you; and that you and your family are part of a large community trying to make the world a better place for all of us.
For more resources, check out:
How to talk to kids about anti-Asian racism | NBC Think
“We Need to Talk About Anti-Asian Hate” YouTube video on the history of Asian American racism and the black-Asian conflict
Feel free to check out other ways to help children during tough times or how to support our own mental health, and follow me on Instagram, Facebook, or Twitter to join a conversation.