Helping children out of school

Originally published on NBC: “Coronavirus school closures means kids are missing more than class”

Coronavirus school closures means kids are missing more than class. Here's how to help.

As a parent and child/adolescent psychiatrist, I’ve seen how children are experiencing uncertainty, confusion, anxiety, and loneliness with schools closing. How can we help them manage not just through schools abruptly ending but also the longer effects of physical distancing, isolation, and unrest?

Parents have to shift our expectations and learn how to provide children with the emotional scaffolding they need to thrive during these times.

Children need to feel a sense of agency and mastery

No one likes the feeling of helplessness; it’s a primary emotion that often underlies anger and anxiety. During times of external uncertainty — like the pandemic — we can help kids build a sense of internal certainty. Children might feel a sense of mastery by watching the same online educational video, playing the same game or reading the same book repeatedly, since it’s predictable, and they feel confident in knowing the outcome. You can use your time together to evaluate your children’s strengths and support them by encouraging a creative display of their talents, whether that's in art, baking, sports or writing, for example.

Ask about the inner world of your child

Instead of assuming that children are struggling with loneliness and grief, ask. Observe their behaviors — sleeping, eating, playing — and ask how they are doing in gentle ways that allow them narrative control: “What are you thinking about now?” or “How do you think your friends are doing?” If they say they miss school, use the opportunity to be curious — “What part? Is it one particular friend?” That then allows you to provide validation (one of the best ways to show support) or engage with them in problem solving, reinforcing their feelings of mastery: “Should we write them a letter? Do a video chat? Make them a present?”

Build safety through rituals and routine

Children pick up on and react to our emotions. If a partner’s need to constantly discuss the pandemic is causing you anxiety, your children will react to that. So make sure you’re creating personal and emotional space for yourself to manage your emotions. Rituals also provide predictability, which is particularly important when everything else feels unpredictable. Did you used to have Sunday dinners together? Pizza Fridays? Thursday night games? If we didn’t have these family rituals before, this is an opportunity to develop them now.

Put family values in action

All families have implicit values that they can make explicit. If you normally volunteer as a family, bake welcome treats for new neighbors or make cards for nursing home residents, you likely value gratitude, generosity or kindness. If your family participates in walks or races, camps, hikes, rides bikes or plays sports together, you likely value physical exercise, nature and perhaps perseverance. Use this time to consider what values are meaningful to your family — perhaps: integrity, accountability, diligence, love, creativity, personal growth, knowledge, appreciation, patience, wisdom, or compassion — and challenge yourselves and children to find ways to enact those values, whether that's participating in the nightly rounds of applause for first responders, or making masks for people who don't have them, or learning a new skill together.

Read the full article at NBC